How to Find and Have Threesomes!

One of the most common questions I get asked is, “How do I find threesomes?”

It can be really exciting to have the amplified energy of multiple people in an intimate situation.

Once you’ve decided that you’re ready to make out with a few people at once, the question becomes how to find fun make out buddies who want to play in a group situation like this.

In this blog post, I’ll be talking about threesomes involving one guy and two girls. This is the nearly mythical sort of threesome commonly referred to as “every guy’s fantasy” – and the term “unicorn” refers to the “third”, or an attractive and available bisexual woman who is willing and eager to join a guy and a girl.

I’ve had threesomes while I’ve been in committed long-term relationships, as well as while I’ve been single. In my personal experience to date, it’s been much easier for me to have threesomes while single – as the “unicorn” or the “third” for an existing couple.

While I was in relationships, I would go right ahead and ask friends of mine if they wanted to join us – with limited success. My former boyfriends would also ask women they knew or had been with before.

The most common responses to our threesome proposals would be one of the following:

  • the women were flattered but straight,
  • they had tried threesomes before but weren’t crazy about the experience,
  • they were curious about women but were terrified about the idea of going through with a full-blown threesome,
  • and/or they just wanted one-on-one time with the guy.

It’s been nice to be on the other side, where I’m the one joining couples instead of asking someone to join me and a guy. Through all of these experiences, I’ve  learned a great deal about the easiest ways for threesomes to happen.

1) Be open and comfortable with your sexuality!
When I had low self-confidence, I doubted that women I liked would be interested in or attracted to me. I also felt bad asking them about threesomes, because I didn’t want to pressure, impose, or make them feel uncomfortable and weird.

Now that I’ve become much more comfortable with myself (all aspects, including my sexuality), it’s easy for me to find and connect with people who are interested in the things I like.

We Need To Talk…
I talk openly both online and in person about sexuality – and thanks to my openness, I’ve been contacted by people who have questions, are curious or interested in related lifestyles and topics, and/or who have friends/books/resources/events to suggest that might be of interest to me.

By being open about my desires and curiosities (“I want to explore being with women! I want to see what play parties are like! I want to fully enjoy and embrace being sexual! I want to experience having healthy, supportive and loving open relationships.“), I’ve been able to have amazing experiences like attending an all-girl play party, playing while other people are watching, trying BDSM, dating married couples, and, yes, having threesomes!

Bottom line: Threesomes are absolutely the most fun when everyone involved is super comfortable with their own sexuality and the sexuality of others.

A bit of nervousness is totally normal, but it’s best if everyone is genuinely open to having this new experience, eager and willing to be there and play. It’s really about the energy between everyone, and it’s easy to pick up on.

Open Up!
You can’t have a threesome if you don’t get out of your comfort zone and start telling people that it seriously interests you (and taking actions, like looking for potential partners on dating websites, going to play parties, poly events, etc.)

That doesn’t mean publicly shouting it from every rooftop – but you need to be comfortable with putting yourself and your desires out there, so that people who are interested in what you like can find you and reach out to you – and vice versa, so you can connect with them too!

You need to get comfortable enough to take actions in the direction of the experiences you desire. 

2) Hang out, go with the flow and see what the chemistry/energy is like for all three of you together.
I don’t really recommend straight out asking, “Will you have a threesome with us?” That’s not to say that it doesn’t ever work, but it just tends to put so much pressure and expectation on going all the way through with a threesome, complete with full penetration and no-holds-barred girl-on-girl and three-way play. It can sound really intimidating and overwhelming.

Even if you’re asking someone who’s comfortable, has experience with and enjoys threesomes, asking in such a blunt way can create a feeling of obligation to provide this complete and all-inclusive threesome experience – when really, how much play happens (whether it happens at all), what kinds of play, what that play looks like and how far it goes, really depends on how it all unfolds and develops in the moment.

Every “unicorn” is different, but I personally prefer when I’m invited to hang out with two people – and given the opportunity to know them better on levels besides physical!

How Deep Is Your Love? I Really Need To Learn…
I like to gauge the strength of their relationship (seeing them have an amazing connection, chemistry, passion, respect, trust and love for each other), make sure that they’re both truly into the idea, feel how interested and attracted I am to each of them, determine if I want to keep it platonic – or play with one or both – and if both, whether I want to play with each of them separately or together.

I appreciate when the woman in the couple really emphasizes that it’s up to me, I can say no or change my mind at any time, I can do as much and go as far as I want – or I can just have him watch, or just play with her one-on-one without him there, or just play with him one-on-one, if I’d like! 

(And I highly recommend letting potential partners know these same things because it really takes the pressure off and lets them know that the choice is totally theirs. Throughout whatever happens, they always have the freedom to change their minds or stop or leave. They’re just good reminders that nothing is an obligation).

Bottom line: You can definitely extend an invitation for someone to “join”, “watch” or “play”. Personally, I prefer those terms over “threesome” when suggesting or having it suggested to me – because “join”, “watch” and “play” feel more open-ended to me. Like, if I wanted, it could just be me sitting on the sidelines watching them kiss. Or it could mean touching and caressing… without penetration or intercourse.

It feels more to me like “whatever happens, happens” – instead of telling someone I’m up for a threesome, and then feeling stressed because I think they’re now expecting the works. When I’m super comfortable and trust that I don’t have to do anything, playing is actually more likely to develop into a full-blown threesome anyways!

If you liked this blog post, you might also like:
I Went To An All Girl Play Party… And It Was Amazing
The Power of Three(somes)
FAQs About Open Relationships

8 Comments

  1. Great read. I’d be interested if it were two guys and me…like that’s ever going to happen ;) The “dream” threesome isn’t my dream. As you said, if you’re the “unicorn,” the ideal couple would both be equally into it, no underlying resentment, jealousy, etc. Being a woman, I know women. It’s why I get along better with men. Women are great, don’t get me wrong, but on the whole (and obviously I haven’t been approached or approached anyone about this) I think we have less success being in open relationships. I say this from my limited knowledge of friends in open marriages (now divorced).

    • For sure, open relationships are definitely a personal choice. Some people love them, other people love monogamous relationships!

      As for threesomes, you don’t even have to be in an open relationship to have one. You could have threesomes while you’re single and unattached, if you have friends that want to have some group make out fun or you meet partners online!

  2. This may be the single handed most amazing blog post I have read. A poler and thought provoking woman writing opening about threesomes. Geez. You’ve giving me the courage to share more of my experiences too. I “hide” some of my life by writing a secret sex blog even though my public blog is provocative enough. I have had some AWESOME experiences and have yet to share. LOVE THIS

    • Aww, that’s such a huge compliment! Thanks so much, Sheena! I’ve mentioned it before, but your transparent and authentic writing about your own life experiences has had a huge impact on how bold I am with my own writing.

      Honestly, your writing has made me realize we all go through incredible things and by sharing them with each other rather than hiding them away, we can help each other with our unique experiences, perspectives and lessons learned.

      I’d love to check out your secret blog. Maybe I can get the blog website address from you by email? Your dating adventures already entertain me so much… I can only imagine how fun and funny your sexy adventures must be!

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