Feeling Grossed Out and Disgusted About Your Own Sexuality

What are you supposed to do when you gross yourself out?

I’ve spent the last year doing so much exploration with my sexuality. It was what I wanted to do at the time, but now I’m repulsed by it and don’t know how to process it.

It sucks feeling like I don’t accept that part of myself. I feel like I’m at a point in my life where I’m not happy, and I’m just envious of the happiness that other people have.

I don’t feel fulfilled, and I’m frustrated. I’m not sure how to get to a place where I’m as happy as I used to be about life.

I don’t even know if I should be blaming my sexual exploits for my current sense of being unfulfilled.

Anyways, I stopped going to things like cuddle parties and stopped being super experimental and having numerous casual partners.

I stopped desiring polyamorous relationships, or wanting to date couples, or wanting to be “someone’s third”.

I stopped writing for Bodybinds, because I wasn’t having all these freaky kinky experiences anymore. And now I’m just feeling down because I had embraced as my identity, being this free-spirited supporter of free love, this hippie love child, this swinger, this unicorn, this open-minded try-everything experience-it-all carpe-diem girl – but now, it doesn’t feel like me.

I think I’m at a place where my personal boundaries and comfort levels are shifting. Right now, I feel the need to be away from all that. What I’m having a hard time with right now is this feeling of being grossed out. Grossed out by other people who are “poly” or “open”.* Grossed out by overt sexuality.

I’m even in the business of overt sexuality, dancing at a strip club, and it’s started to become a struggle. I feel like I’ve gotten away from what feels good to me.

I don’t know why I’m so grossed out by my own sexuality now.

* I’m not trying to insult anyone or be judgmental, but I’m just expressing the truth of how I feel. Right now, I feel disgust with sex and I totally get that it reflects my own problems with sexuality – and NOT that anyone else is doing something wrong just because they’re doing stuff with their sex life that I don’t anymore. I understand that handling this discomfort I feel is my own responsibility.

Do you have any advice? How do you deal with feelings of being grossed out by yourself and your sexuality?