What are you supposed to do when you gross yourself out?
I’ve spent the last year doing so much exploration with my sexuality. It was what I wanted to do at the time, but now I’m repulsed by it and don’t know how to process it.
It sucks feeling like I don’t accept that part of myself. I feel like I’m at a point in my life where I’m not happy, and I’m just envious of the happiness that other people have.
I don’t feel fulfilled, and I’m frustrated. I’m not sure how to get to a place where I’m as happy as I used to be about life.
I don’t even know if I should be blaming my sexual exploits for my current sense of being unfulfilled.
Anyways, I stopped going to things like cuddle parties and stopped being super experimental and having numerous casual partners.
I stopped desiring polyamorous relationships, or wanting to date couples, or wanting to be “someone’s third”.
I stopped writing for Bodybinds, because I wasn’t having all these freaky kinky experiences anymore. And now I’m just feeling down because I had embraced as my identity, being this free-spirited supporter of free love, this hippie love child, this swinger, this unicorn, this open-minded try-everything experience-it-all carpe-diem girl – but now, it doesn’t feel like me.
I think I’m at a place where my personal boundaries and comfort levels are shifting. Right now, I feel the need to be away from all that. What I’m having a hard time with right now is this feeling of being grossed out. Grossed out by other people who are “poly” or “open”.* Grossed out by overt sexuality.
I’m even in the business of overt sexuality, dancing at a strip club, and it’s started to become a struggle. I feel like I’ve gotten away from what feels good to me.
I don’t know why I’m so grossed out by my own sexuality now.
* I’m not trying to insult anyone or be judgmental, but I’m just expressing the truth of how I feel. Right now, I feel disgust with sex and I totally get that it reflects my own problems with sexuality – and NOT that anyone else is doing something wrong just because they’re doing stuff with their sex life that I don’t anymore. I understand that handling this discomfort I feel is my own responsibility.
Do you have any advice? How do you deal with feelings of being grossed out by yourself and your sexuality?